How to Handle Infertility or Not Being Able to Have Kids of Your Own
As featured in AskMen. AskMen asked me, along with other experts, for dos and don'ts for couples dealing with infertility.
The partner who is struggling usually needs three things: someone who listens without trying to fix it, shared decisions about who hears the news and how it is shared, and intimacy that is not scheduled around fertility. A support group or a therapist who specializes in infertility helps both of you.
“Dismissing emotions can create resentment and emotional distance.”Rachel Goldberg, LMFT, PMH-C, to AskMen
Get outside support
Infertility can feel isolating, and support from people who understand it makes a difference. I suggest a support group for people struggling with infertility, a therapist who specializes in infertility, or both. RESOLVE (resolve.org) can help you find groups near you. Support groups bring together people with different doctors and treatment methods, and that variety is useful.
Agree on your privacy policy
Before you post anything about infertility on social media, check in with your partner about how they feel. Respect each other's need for support, whether that is confiding in a trusted friend or family member, but do not share the journey unless both of you agree.
Expect different coping styles
Partners often cope differently. One may internalize feelings or look for solutions while the other wants to talk about it often. Those differences lead to misunderstandings and resentment: one feeling the other does not care about building a family, the other unsure why it dominates every conversation. Ask your partner what they need instead of assuming it matches what you need.
Schedule real check-ins
Open communication is key throughout a relationship and especially during fertility challenges. Set a regular time, anywhere from once a day to once a week, and talk without distractions for at least 20 minutes. Use it for fears, concerns, emotions, and ideas for staying connected.
Validate, even when you do not fully understand
Even if you cannot relate to your partner's feelings, showing empathy goes a long way. Saying that you understand why something feels hard, such as a baby shower invitation, is validating without fixing.
Protect your intimacy
For couples trying on their own, sex often becomes all about baby-making and timing, which takes much of the passion out. It can feel forced. Staying connected is vital. Plan date nights that have nothing to do with fertility treatment, and plan short trips or celebrate milestones together to remind each other that the relationship is more than the fertility journey.
Read the full article on AskMen
Related reading
- Hope and Heartache: Managing the Mental Strain of Infertility
- How to Support a Friend After a Miscarriage
Frequently asked questions
How do I support my partner through infertility?
Listen without trying to fix, validate their feelings, ask what they need, and share the practical load. Regular check-ins give your conversations a place to go.
Should we tell people we are struggling with infertility?
Decide together. Check in with your partner before posting or telling others, and respect that each of you may want different kinds of support.
How do we keep intimacy alive while trying to conceive?
Separate connection from timing. Plan time together that has nothing to do with fertility, and celebrate milestones as a couple.
Ready for support?
If you and your partner are dealing with infertility, I provide infertility counseling for individuals and couples. Serving clients in 46 states through our clinical team.
