How Infertility Affects Your Relationship (and How Couples Cope)
As featured in Verywell Mind. Verywell Mind asked me how infertility affects couples and how to cope.
Infertility strains many relationships because partners often feel, cope, and decide differently. The strain shows up as tense communication, misunderstandings, decision fatigue, and less room for anything other than fertility. Scheduled check-ins, private time that is not about baby-making, and support from a group or an infertility therapist help.
“The emotional toll of infertility can lead to increased conflict, decreased intimacy, and feelings of isolation within the relationship.”Rachel Goldberg, LMFT, PMH-C, to Verywell Mind
Why partners cope differently
People going through infertility can feel grief, sadness, anger, guilt, shame, and anxiety, and those feelings spill into the relationship. Partners often respond in opposite ways. One may want to do whatever it takes, even through costly IVF cycle after cycle, while the other feels that putting life on pause for years for an unknown outcome is not worth it.
Those differences can create misaligned expectations and real pressure between partners. The partner whose diagnosis is the source of the infertility may also carry fears of abandonment and worry about feeling less desired.
What the strain looks like
- Tense or shut-down communication, with a sense that your partner does not understand.
- Misunderstandings, such as one partner feeling blamed or seen as less invested.
- Decision fatigue about treatments, made heavier by costs that insurance rarely covers.
- Little room left for the rest of the relationship, which creates disconnection.
Sometimes a partner truly cannot fully empathize. If one person is going through invasive treatments again and again, the other may want to understand and still not be able to.
Practical ways to stay connected
- Schedule regular check-ins about fertility concerns and goals, so the topic has a time and place.
- Find ways to connect privately that do not involve baby-making, such as a challenging puzzle or cooking an intricate meal together.
- Practice active listening, and practice seeing your partner's perspective.
- Validate each other's feelings even when you disagree or do not fully understand.
- Plan something joyful for days you expect news, such as a special breakfast after an ultrasound or a weekend away after treatment ends.
Support that helps
A support group for people experiencing infertility makes it easier to give yourself grace and to feel less like something is wrong with you. A therapist who specializes in infertility can normalize what each of you feels, share what you may not know yet, and give you a place to process grief and resentments and find constructive ways to support each other.
Read the full article on Verywell Mind
Related reading
Frequently asked questions
Can infertility damage a relationship?
It strains many relationships, and it can also bring couples closer. How partners communicate, validate each other, and get support makes a large difference.
Why do my partner and I cope with infertility so differently?
Partners often have different views on how far to go with treatment, how much to talk about it, and how to process grief. Neither approach is wrong, but unspoken differences create conflict.
Should we try couples therapy for infertility?
It can help when communication has broken down or when grief and resentment are building. A therapist who specializes in infertility already understands the medical and emotional context.
Ready for support?
If infertility is straining your relationship, I provide infertility counseling for individuals and couples. Serving clients in 46 states through our clinical team.
