How to Navigate ‘Duty Sex’ While Trying to Get Pregnant
As featured in Kinkly. Kinkly asked me about "duty sex" and what trying to conceive does to a couple's intimacy.
Duty sex is sex that happens because the calendar says so. Over months of trying, each intimate moment can carry emotional weight, and both partners can start to feel it as a task or a test. Protecting intimacy means separating connection from timing and talking about it openly.
“IVF involves handing over an experience, once full of joy and personal connection.”Rachel Goldberg, LMFT, PMH-C, to Kinkly
Why trying to conceive changes intimacy
When conception attempts continue for a long time, each intimate moment can become emotionally loaded. The partner trying to conceive may feel like a failure each month. The other partner may feel unable to provide enough support. Neither feeling is a failure of the relationship, but both can build quietly.
Fertility treatment can intensify this. IVF involves handing over an experience that was once full of joy and personal connection to medical professionals, including doctors, nurses, and care coordinators.
What helps
- Talk about it directly, including how timed sex feels for each of you.
- Plan time together that is not about conception, such as date nights, short trips, and celebrating milestones.
- Keep affection and physical connection separate from the fertile window.
- Validate each other's feelings, even when your experience of the process differs.
- Bring in a therapist who specializes in infertility if intimacy has started to feel like a source of conflict or distance.
When to get support
If sex feels forced, if one of you has started avoiding it, or if the topic only ends in conflict, support helps. Infertility and the strain it puts on intimacy are common, and you do not have to sort it out on your own.
Read the full article on Kinkly
Related reading
Frequently asked questions
What is duty sex?
Duty sex is sex that happens because of timing, such as an ovulation window, instead of desire. It is common when trying to conceive and can reduce pleasure and connection.
Is it normal to lose desire while trying to get pregnant?
Yes. Pressure, repeated disappointment, and medical procedures can all reduce desire. It is a common reaction to the process, not a sign something is wrong with the relationship.
Ready for support?
If infertility is affecting your intimacy or your relationship, I provide infertility counseling for individuals and couples. Serving clients in 46 states through our clinical team.
