How to Recover When Your Birth Doesn't Go According to Plan
As featured in Expectful. Expectful asked me how people can recover when a birth does not go according to plan.
When a birth does not go as planned, many people blame themselves and grieve the experience they wanted. Accepting what happened, talking it through without judgment, and getting support from a therapist when feelings persist help you recognize that you made the best decisions you could in the moment.
“Accepting that this happened is going to be the way forward.”Rachel Goldberg, LMFT, PMH-C, to Expectful
The self-blame that follows
At first, there is often a lot of self-blame: what if I had done something differently? That thinking feeds feelings of inadequacy, as if you had some kind of control over the situation.
What helps you move forward
- Accept that it happened. That is the way forward, not erasing it.
- Talk about it. Some people want to rehash the birth three or four times and describe what it felt like in those moments. By reliving it, many start to see that it was not in their control.
- Seek out people who let you talk without judgment, and be careful with dismissive reassurance.
- Allow yourself to grieve the experience you lost.
When to talk with a therapist
If painful feelings persist, a therapist can help. The birth cannot be erased, and it becomes part of your identity. A therapist who validates that you lost an experience you wanted and lets you grieve it makes it easier to move on.
Read the full article on Expectful
Related reading
- There's No One Right Way: The Secrets New Moms Deserve to Hear
- What Does It Mean to Get Your Pink Back?
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal to feel sad or traumatized after an unplanned birth?
Yes. Sadness, disappointment, and trauma responses are common when a birth plan changes, especially when self-blame is involved.
When should I get help after a difficult birth?
Consider reaching out if the feelings persist, if you replay the birth often, if you avoid reminders of it, or if it is interfering with bonding, sleep, or your relationship.
Ready for support?
If a birth experience is still weighing on you, I provide perinatal and postpartum therapy.
