There’s No One “Right” Way: The Secrets New Moms Deserve to Hear
Bringing home a new baby is one of those life moments that everyone tells you will be overwhelming, magical, and exhausting, but rarely do they tell you how confusing it is. You’re bombarded with advice, research, opinions from every angle. In the middle of the night, scrolling through feeds, you might wonder if you’re doing everything wrong, or if you’re the only one who feels lost. I wish more moms knew: you are not alone in this, and there is no one “right” way to do any of it.
That’s why I was grateful to contribute to this BabyCenter article on “Secrets perinatal therapists want new moms to know”. It touches on so many realities that get lost in the noise—and I want to share a few thoughts and deeper truths here, for anyone lying awake and second-guessing themselves tonight.
What the Article Gets Right
One thing this article highlights and something I see in my practice all the time, is the sheer volume of opinions and advice new parents get, often without context. There’s guidance on everything: where the baby should sleep, how much to hold them, what and how to feed them, whether the TV should be on in the background. The reality is, almost all of this advice is filtered through someone else’s values, temperament, or lived experience - not yours.
I love how the article gives voice to a core truth: there’s no “best” way, only the way that works for you and your family. The more you can step away from other people’s “shoulds” and focus on what feels sustainable for your own household, the less likely you are to get caught in a spiral of decision fatigue or guilt.
What the Article Doesn’t Capture
What’s harder to say in an article and what I witness in the therapy room is just how lonely it can feel to not have answers, or to have your instincts run counter to what’s “trending.” So many new parents come in worried they’re “doing it wrong” because something isn’t working the way it “should.” Maybe their baby doesn’t sleep through the night, or breastfeeding is brutal, or they actually like having the TV on sometimes. The pressure to fit into someone else’s definition of “good parenting” is relentless.
The other side is the secret fears no one talks about. People will ask, “Am I going crazy?”—especially when intrusive thoughts pop up. Vivid flashes of something awful happening to your baby. The shame and terror that your brain can even go there is so isolating, and most moms have no idea how common it really is. Intrusive thoughts are a normal (yes, normal) part of the postpartum experience for so many. Sleep deprivation, hormonal shifts, and the shock of new responsibility create a mental stew that can cook up all kinds of strange, scary thoughts. Naming this out loud is often the first step to breaking the spell of shame.
How This Shows Up in Therapy
What I’ve learned from clients, and from years of supporting new families, is that most postpartum “secrets” are really just things people are too afraid or embarrassed to say. Leaking when you sneeze, being furious at your partner for breathing too loudly, feeling desperate for five minutes alone, or grieving the life you had before. It’s all very common, and it’s all so rarely spoken. Sometimes just hearing someone say, “Me too,” is more healing than any piece of advice.
A big focus of postpartum therapy is helping clients sift through the noise and reconnect with what actually matters to them. That often means setting boundaries with social media, or giving yourself permission to tune out “experts” who don’t know your kid, your body, or your family. It means grieving what’s hard without shaming yourself for it. And sometimes, it means fiercely protecting your own need for sleep - suffering through the infant period doesn’t have to be a rite of passage.
Beyond the Tips
If you take nothing else from the article (or this post), take this: Sleep is not optional. Yes, the old “sleep when the baby sleeps” advice feels ridiculous, especially when your to-do list is never-ending. But sleep deprivation is gasoline on every postpartum challenge: anxiety, rage, grief, doubt. No “hack” or expert advice is going to help if you’re running on empty. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is to ask for real, tangible support so you can rest - then, and only then, can you start to figure out what you actually need.
Bottom Line
If you’re in the thick of new parenthood - exhausted, overwhelmed, or quietly wondering if everyone else has it more together, please know you’re not broken. Most of what you’re feeling is not only normal, it’s expected. You are not failing for struggling. You are not “crazy” for having scary thoughts. There is room in therapy (and in real life) for all of this: your grief, your joy, your confusion, your messy, contradictory feelings.
Therapy can be a place to exhale, to sort through the noise, and to rediscover your own voice as a parent. If you’re longing for more support, whether you’re navigating postpartum anxiety, intrusive thoughts, or just the relentless “shoulds” of new motherhood, I invite you to reach out. You deserve support that honors both your vulnerability and your strength.
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