Gay Fathers, Surrogacy, and the Emotional Complexity of Parenthood
Becoming a Parent Without a Roadmap
For many gay men, the dream of becoming a father once felt impossible. In a world that often equates family with a heterosexual couple and a maternal caregiver, this journey can feel lonely, full of loss, and without clear guidance. This new study, published in Sexuality Research and Social Policy (2025), gives voice to 30 gay fathers in Belgium and France who pursued parenthood through international surrogacy. Their stories offer a powerful reminder that becoming a parent is not just a medical process, but an emotional, relational, and deeply human experience.
Key Findings
Parenthood started with grief: Participants mourned the idea of never becoming parents due to their sexual orientation. Some had given up entirely until new laws or stories from LGBTQ+ peers rekindled hope.
Surrogacy was a “rollercoaster”: Legal complexities, physical distance from the surrogate, and emotional ambivalence left fathers feeling exhausted, disconnected, or excluded from the pregnancy.
Ambiguous loss was a common theme: Fathers spoke of feeling both connected to and separated from their future child, an emotional state of mourning what wasn’t yet lost.
Openness around origin stories: Most couples disclosed the surrogacy journey to their child with honesty and care, using age-appropriate language, books, and photos. However, disclosure about the egg donor or the genetic father was often delayed.
“Third others” mattered, but didn’t threaten fatherhood: Fathers expressed deep gratitude to surrogates, often forming lasting relationships. Still, they emphasized the importance of being recognized—legally and emotionally—as their child’s only parents.
Why This Matters
This research highlights just how emotionally layered the journey to parenthood can be for gay fathers using surrogacy. Beyond logistics and legalities, the path is marked by grief, isolation, hope, and a deep desire to create loving families. For many, surrogacy is not just a medical process but an emotional undertaking that involves confronting societal expectations, navigating complex decisions, and building connections with surrogates, donors, and their communities.
The study validates what many in LGBTQ+ family formation experience: that becoming a parent often involves quiet, unseen work - redefining family roles, coping with ambiguity, and cultivating resilience in the face of uncertainty. Mental health and reproductive support systems play a crucial role in acknowledging and supporting these nuanced realities.
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